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Dec 27, 2021
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Wow this story is great! I LOVE IT!
by: Bailey The Horse Lover

I love this story! You have to finish it! LOVE IT! I really want to know what happens!

May 21, 2018
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Editing for The Lost Horse
by: Hoofbeats

The horse bolted toward us.

Fear Gripped my insides. Panic seized my throat yet before the world could take another breath, I shoved mum into the snow bank.

My mind whirled as it tried to think of something calming to utter.

The next seconds seemed to play in slow motion. The white horse, blending in against the snow, galloping toward us. A bone shattering cold wind swept snow up in it's powerful arms, creating a white backdrop.

I held out my arms till my body resembled a 'T'. My mouth uttered a calming phrase. As soon as it left my cold lips, they seemed to pierce the soul of the white ghost-like horse as it charged toward us. Not in Hatred or unkindness. But in Love.

"Everything's gonna be O.K. Starlight" I whispered unconscious of everything else happening around me. My gaze was locked on the mare.

My mare, Starlight.

And she was perfect.

"Ahem!" a superior voice grunted behind me, breaking the snowbound spell.

Mum brushed off the snow as it stubbornly clung to her pants.

Starlight reared at the sight of mum standing.

"Stay away from that wild horse!" mum bellowed "I'm ringing your father!"

Panic gipped my bones, but it only lasted a second. Starlight was going to be mine. I would keep her no matter the cost. She was mine; Now and forever.

"No one's going to take you away from me Starlight" I stroked her glossy neck.

She nickered, and I knew we were meant for each other.

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I feel honored to be editing for you!

Also I'm not sure if I told you this but I am writing a short story called 'August Grace' which will be here within the next month or so.

Anyway, keep up with the good writing!

May 15, 2018
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The lost horse in editing
by: stardust and peppy!

The horse galloped toward us. Out of fear I pushed mom into the snow bank behind me, trying to think of something to say to calm the beautiful mare down. I said its okay starlight. As soon as I said it I knew it was perfect. Starlight slowed down to a trot and stopped in front of me and snorted as if asking are you sure its okay.

Remembering mom in the snow I quickly turned around but before I could help her up she was on her feet. Starlight spooked when mom got up. stay away from that horse mom said as she pulled out her phone, ignoring what mom said I stroked Starlight's neck. What are you going to do I ask. I'm going to call your father he will know what to do mom answered.

May 07, 2018
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To Stardust and Peppy
by: Hoofbeats

Hello!

I'm so glad you are happy with my edits! I am more than happy to continue and I can't wait till you post more chapters.

Also, try to add conflict. For example, make the mom (or dad) to not want Sam to keep Starlight
(or anything you wish).

And ask yourself what would keep you reading this book as you write? What would captivate you so much that you can't stop reading until you're finished?

Conflict and strife is what keeps the reader glued to the story.

Make this story unique. Create Sam's struggles and heartaches relatable for the reader. Design Sam to have special and funny things unique about her character (e.g. talks to plants when she's tired, afraid of heights, hates bees, or spends hours in her cozy room reading books and ruining her eyesight because of her bookwormish habits. These are called Character Quirks, by the way.)

To be honest, I craft my characters till they appear so real and seem that they are sitting next to me as I pen their story onto paper. They seem as real to me as human beings around us.

In fact they feel like friends who I have created and they still sit there and stay in my mind long after I've finished writing their story.

To me, it's the beauty of fiction writing.

Anyway, keep going!

(sorry to burden you with so many tips!)

May 03, 2018
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The lost horse in editing
by: stardust and peppy!

WOW!!! Your editing was great! Thanks so much! Yes, it's in the winter. Starlight is good, I like that name! Yes like you edited it. YES! Please do your stories are so good! Thanks again for editing my story you did an awesome job! I will write the rest of the chapter soon!

May 02, 2018
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The Lost Horse In Editing
by: Hoofbeats

She hadn't left! Thank Goodness!

I snorted another greeting. Suddenly another figure appeared next to the girl. Fear gripped my heart as I bucked in terror and galloped in the opposite direction.

Sam:
Think girl think! I panicked for a second, willing with my heart for the horse not to run away.
But before Mum could even utter a word in surprise and horror, I called, "Starlight!"[or whatever the horse's name will be]

The horse:
A sweet voice with a touch of firmness rang out loudly in the snow covered world. I skidded, mixed with surprise and fright.
The fairy-like voice rang out again melting the fear from my unloved heart. My front legs turned involuntarily toward the soft voice, my ears longing for the sound of it again.

The girl's face broke into a smile as sunny as a Wyoming sunset as she stepped of the porch into the fresh snow.

A carrot was tossed my way which I crunched with deep gratitude as something stirred within my soul. My heart told me this was the girl for me.

Sam:
"It's a horse!" Mother fearfully cried not budging from her spot on the porch.

"Now mom, I was trying to tell you and..."

"It's a horse!" She interrupted like she hadn't heard me. "Where did it come from?!"

The cold wind biting my cheek seemed to gnaw at them with more intensity as the question floated in big question marks in the air.

"Well?"

"I was walking down the trail and she jumped out of the woods." I replied trying to make it sound like it was 'the best thing happening under the sun' idea. "Isn't she awesome?"

"Um... Well yeah. A horse..." She said with a note of uncertainty.

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Thank you Stardust and peppy for being so kind to let me edit this! It gives me some practice which is great.

What will you name the horse? I just dubbed her Starlight in the end 'cos I couldn't think of anything else at the moment but I can't wait till you let me know!

Is this story set in the winter? I hope it is because, you know, I wrote some fine details about it being winter. But the quicker we get it clear, the better!

Also just a tip: sometimes you switch the character Point of View (POV)and it does get to some extent confusing.

So, is it happening in Sam's and the horse's mind in turn (like I just edited in)???. If you are getting confused with the POV I'm talking about, don't worry, here's an example:

The door creaked sending a alarming tingle through my spinal cord. I breathed trying to clam my senses telling myself all was well and that no one had come to take away Pa. He hadn't done anything wrong anyway. I was sure of it...

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Anyway, I hope this stuff helped and sorry for not editing sooner. I feel bad but anyway better late than never! I also wanted to let you know that I will be submitting a new story of mine on here for others to enjoy.

Thanking you,

Hoofbeats

Apr 03, 2018
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The lost horse in editing
by: Stardust and peppy

She didn't leave! I let out another neigh of greeting. I trotted around the yard too scared to go to the girl with the other human there. So after trotting around the yard one more time, I then slowed down to a walk and put my muzzle in the snow and scratched around trying to find some grass.

"It's a horse!" Sam's mother cried.

"Now mom, I was trying to tell you and...

"It's a horse!" Her mom interrupted. "Where did it come from?!"

"I was walking down the trail and she jumped out of the woods." Sam replied. "Isn't she awesome, mom?"

"Um... Well, she sure is. A horse..." She said, still stunned.

This is just half the chapter. I thought I would let you edit it first. Thanks again hoofbeats for helping me with my story!

Apr 02, 2018
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To: Stardust and Peppy!
by: Hoofbeats

I forgive you. I understand, I've had my fair share of bad days as well.

I am honoured you asked! I am more than happy to edit you book! It will be great for me.

Thanking you!

Apr 02, 2018
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Oh okay
by: stardust and peppy!

No, I do not. I just write whenever. 😊

Mar 26, 2018
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Schedule
by: Annie Rose The Horse Girl

Hi, for your question "what do you mean schedule?" I meant are there certain days you post? This is a great story.

Mar 23, 2018
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I have an idea!
by: stardust and peppy!

Hoofbeats, I have an idea -- do you want to edit my story? So I would add comments in this page titled "The Lost Horse in editing" and I write the chapter then you take it and edit it, and other girls can say their ideas too.

If you don't want to, I totally understand. You have every reason to still be upset with me. But if you would like to, let me know!

Mar 23, 2018
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Ok
by: Pigwings

Hi stardust and peppy! I wasn't mad! I don't want to come across as mean and nosey! Sorry, I just was trying to help. Yes, I'm sure we all forgive you but there is really no need. We're all good now! Please write more on your story! I can't wait to see what happens!

Mar 22, 2018
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What?
by: stardust and peppy!

What do you mean by schedule?

Mar 22, 2018
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I know
by: stardust and peppy!

Yeah, I know I was harsh and I apologized. I was having a bad day and I had no right to be so mean. You're 100% right. I'm very sorry. I hope you can all forgive me. Again, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.

Mar 22, 2018
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AMAZINGGGG!!!!
by: Annie Rose The Horse Girl

Hello, I love your book! Just when you switch to different characters use Point of View (P.O.V.)

Anyhoo, hope I helped. Keep up the good work! By the way, do you have a schedule of when you post?

Mar 21, 2018
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Hi
by: Pigwings

Hi Stardust and peppy! I really like your story but I think hoofbeats was just trying to help. She wasn't trying to be mean, she just wanted to help.

I'm not trying to be nosey but I think you were pretty harsh on hoofbeats. No offence!

Well, hope you're not mad! You're a good writer. I love the story. Keep writing, never get discouraged. It's great!

Mar 21, 2018
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sorry!
by: stardust and peppy!

Sorry, I got so mad. I was not having a good day. Thank you for trying to help. It did! It was a really good idea and I had no reason to act like that. You sound like a really good writer. Thanks for your idea, it helped! Again, I'm really sorry!

Mar 21, 2018
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Sure that's fine
by: Hoofbeats

Sure that's fine... just wanted to help.

Mar 20, 2018
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please don't comment if you're discouraging
by: stardust and peppy!

Please do not comment on my story if you're going to just tell me how you would have done it better. This is my first story and I was proud of it until now. I did not give her a name because in the next chapter the girl names her.

Mar 19, 2018
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Nice + my tips
by: Hoofbeats

Okay, I just wanted to type some tips for you.

You may not know, but I am a teen writer and please don't feel bad about my corrections, my first story was really bad (while yours is a ton better).

Anyway. Here goes.

I've copied and pasted a small part of your book into this comment so it may make the corrections easier for you to see.

In some spots, you writing lacks balance. What I mean is that you kind of jump from one sentence from another without balancing it to make it flow better.

Take a river for example, the more rocks that are in there, the more the flow of the water is interrupted from the steady and balanced movement it had before it hit the rocks. That's the same for writing. The more "rocks" (unbalanced parts) there are, the more unsteady and flowing the text is.

Here are my corrections to your text (note: my corrections are in brackets):

You wrote: "After a long boring day in bed, I was able to go outside so I went for a walk down the trails in the woods where me and grandma used to walk and talk for hours. Thinking about it made me want to cry so I tried to stop thinking about it until I heard something."

(My tips: this is nice balance. It's not too rushed yet not to slow.)
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You wrote: "Her mane was full of sticks from running through the woods and was matted with tangles. As she walked through the woods, every step she took sticks snapped under her hooves."

(I would first of all, name the Arabian so the character development is a little more advanced in this story. It would have been more helpful to name the horse a little earlier so it would have made the readers understand this paragraph a little easier. For example, if I were to name the horse 'Starlight' this is how I would have written this paragraph:

Starlight's mane was full of sticks from running through the woods and was matted with tangles. Every step, every stride she took was followed by a loud crunch of dry twigs under her cracked hooves.
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So let me move on...

You wrote: "Could I be any louder! She thought to herself. She would never be able to hear Leroy coming with all this noise! She lifted up her head and saw something in the distance so she ran to it as fast as she could with the little bit of energy left in her."

(My tips: I was confused when this had such a sudden change from Sam's point of view to the horse's. What I suggest is that you write something like this, for this example, I will still use the name starlight for the Arabian. And there is no need to write 'She thought to herself' because when her thoughts are written in the font they were, we know that she was thinking that.

Starlight:
Could I be any louder!
At this rate she would never be able to hear Leroy coming with all this noise! She raised her noble head and saw something in the distance. What was it? Was it Leroy? But before she could think again she was running to it as fast as she could with the little bit of energy left in her.
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You wrote: Thoughts whirled around in her mind. Maybe someone lives here and maybe they would want to keep me and give me a good home, she thought to herself.

(My note: Again you don't need to write 'She thought to herself'.)
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You wrote: I was stiff, still scared to death and then a beautiful white horse jumped out of the woods.

(My note: I would suggest that you (again) write:

Sam: (and whatever came next...)

This just shows that this part is now from HER point of view, if you know what I mean...
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Anyway, sorry if this was confusing, I just wanted to give you a bunch of tips and I hope they help.

Also, I would suggest that you write (most writers do) you parts(s) on some paper first (or if it suits you on a document file) and edit it whenever you have time (for example the next day) because most of the time you can then look at it with a fresh mind and can usually detect anything that may need correcting or improvements.

Also, all of my blog posts or any articles I post on the internet always get checked and edited again by my editor. So maybe you can ask someone like an English teacher or some one of the sort to take a look at your work and give you their opinion. Just to tell you, that even if their feedback comes in the form of criticism, apply it to your writing because when good advice is applied to the situation by an understanding and humble heart, happiness and success can begin to bloom.

Mar 17, 2018
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Cool!
by: Sally

This is really good!! Can't wait to read more!

Mar 10, 2018
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!!!
by: Anonymous

Awesome, love it!

Mar 08, 2018
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Nice start!
by: Hoofbeats

Nice start, I am certainly looking forward to more.

Mar 07, 2018
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AMAZING!
by: show jumping star

omg amazing story... I love the detail!!!

Mar 07, 2018
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that's so cool!
by: Lillypad

That's a really cool story! Please write MORE! I want to see what happens!

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