Hi Ciarith, it just occurred to me to tell you about an absolutely excellent fantasy writer's website called Magical Words. It's run by a bunch of successful authors of fantasy novels and short stories, and every day (except for Sundays) they put up an article about any aspect of writing - everything from description and characterization to marketing and getting published.
It's for writers both published and not, and everyone is invited to comment and ask questions. It has probably been the single greatest source of improvement in my writing. You have to be 13 or older to register and comment but there's nothing inappropriate or, you know, horrible put on the site. The authors are very friendly and welcoming towards young writers. They've also written an excellent book - "How to Write Magical Words" - available at Bella Rosa Books. Go to www.magicalwords.net - see you there!
Mar 13, 2011 Rating
Hi Cirenthia by: Unicorn
Whoot! You changed your tone so quickly and smoothly - from the narrator's quiet, meditative tone to his focused in-the-moment mood when the paralyzer appears. Your fantasy world is very strong and original, and I still love the narrator, he tries so hard to quench the darkness all over the world, and the shadow in his heart.
Just watch out for confusing the reader with where and when the narrator is; try to show us if he's dreaming or awake. He might be confused about the line between, but the reader shouldn't be quite as confused as he is. Also, your run-on sentences are improving but still present.
When it's completed and perhaps has had another edit, for the run-on sentences and for clarity, I am convinced you have a publishable work here. You are an incredibly talented, skillful and mature writer. Please, keep writing!
