The third one is now up, True Dreams :Distorted Dreams, I still haven't forgiven myself for not finding a better title for it but its the story that matters I guess. Again thank you for your comments, encouragement and advice, I keep on trying to watch my grammar but I always miss something so its nice when someone points it out.
Mar 05, 2011 Rating
!! !!! by: Unicorn
Yeah, I know I shouldn't use so many exclamation marks in a row, but that was basically all I could think when I finished reading this. In fact, the previous commenter has got it in one. You're super talented.
Your voice is slow, methodical and reflective. Whilst it doesn't drive the story very hard, for the establishment (the beginning), it's a good voice - and it also very much mirrors the narrator whose voice it is. It breaks several rules, but rules were made to be broken with this much flair and talent. Just watch out - if an action scene, like a fight, were to crop up, you might want to speed up the voice a bit, to make it seem more in-the-moment, again slowing it down to its current, thoughtful pace. The voice suits the hero perfectly now, just a thought for the future.
The hero is also the most beautifully well fleshed-out character. All heroes need a flaw; he's valiant, obviously good-hearted, and deeply dutiful and loyal; but it feels like he has a slight tendency to be a bit stand-offish. He's a wonderful character.
You have hardly any typos at all in this part - well done. Just look out for "it's" and "its": "it's" is used as an abbreviation of "it is" and "its" is used to indicate possession (like "hers".) Also, you tend to use run-on sentences.
Look carefully at your commas and check whether they should be commas, periods, or semicolons. This is all final-draft, grammatical stuff. The characterization, setting, plot, theme - it's lovely. Please, please keep writing!
