I like how your talking to the person not as a narrator. Loving the story, keep going!
Jul 07, 2011 Rating
that cool by: brenda
that was so good i enjoyed reading it
Jul 06, 2011 Rating
Tottaly perfect! by: Shine
I lo0ve how you describe her home, her life. Totally perfect. Keep it up, please!
Jul 05, 2011 Rating
good by: Anonymous
Really good! I have a few suggestions,you said 'I say to myself' your using Past- Tense meaning you're telling a story of what already happened so you must use 'I said to myself' you also said, 'grad a toast', you could say, 'I grabbed a piece of toast. Also you don't five enough detail to create a picture in the readers mind, that's really important or it will turn a reader away from your story. You also went, 'on time "Oh pipe down. You'll get it soon enough!"' That's the first time the character speaks, when a new person speaks you MUST start a new line, like 'on time "Oh pie down." "I tell her." Is present-tense like I said you need to use PAST- tense since you mentioned the story already happened. instead use. "I told her." We'd also like to know this girl/boy's name! All authors end a chapter on something exciting to that will want to reader waiting for more!
Jul 05, 2011 Rating
Wow... by: Bec
That's one AMAZING story!!! I love it keep writing!!! ;)
