Comments for Sundancer and the rest - Part 2 PLEASE COMMENT!!!

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Mar 26, 2011
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starstarstarstarstar 		Mucho Better!!!!!!!!!!!!
by: Lauren

So awesome,the plot is getting thicker! Please read Dream Delilah. It's going to be a really long series.
Mar 21, 2011
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starstarstarstarstar 		Better!
by: Shine

Wow! This is way better then part 1. Georgia is so cute and David seems real nice. And Charlie is a wonderful character! Keep it up!
Mar 21, 2011
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starstarstarstarstar 		Thx
by: Doree

Thank you! your comments help me to write better stories!
Mar 20, 2011
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starstarstarstarstar 		Hi Doree
by: Unicorn

Part 2 is even better than Part 1! Character development starts to take place. Charlie is compassionate, determined, and strong-willed; David, helpful and gentle; Georgia, way too cute.
The plot is also growing stronger. The mysterious horse-abandoner poses a pretty problem, and I'm still trying to puzzle him out. It will be satisfying if Charlie manages to find out more about him/her.

The only thing your story lacks is a bit of oomph. It needs some sensory language to bring it alive. What's the weather like? What's Georgia like? Did Charlie's heart jump in concern when the truck spluttered to start? Is Jelly Bean poor and skinny, or sleek and lovely? Use comparisons (similes and metaphors: he shone like glass, his eyes were bright as flames, etc.) and sensory language (living through all the senses: your characters must not only perceive the world through their eyes, they must feel/taste/smell/hear the world too).

All in all, a great story, and please, please keep writing it! I can't wait to hear what happens next!

Keep writing!

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