Say Hello to Goodbye - Chapter 1

by Cara
(Canada)

Chance and Emma

I stare into the paddocks, the grass is a lush shade of sun touched green, it's perfect
the paint chipped white fence boarding the paddock gives the scene a rustic feeling and the apple tree off to the right hand corner gives the scene that balanced nature look, the setting is
perfect.

The well built chestnut with a blaze has white as pearls settles in underneath it, hiding
underneath the dark sheet of shade. His tail flicks flies away, his ears pinned back and his eyes unsettle and tired.

I feel so guilty, just looking at his worried face, his talent is going to waste rotting in a paddock all day long. I don't deserve his comfort right now, I wish for nothing more but to ride him. It brings me to tears I haven't ridden him in over two weeks, and only four of those
days he's been under-saddle.

Not since the horse show have I been able to ride, thanks to my darn leg it hurts to move, and the sharp pains cannot control him well enough for a light hack. I know I'm just putting myself in depression looking at him, but what else I'm I supposed to do?

"Hey why don't you pull a chair up and watch the all day Chance show?" A crackled old beaten voice
comes from behind me, I turn around, my foot staying planted on the ground making my body at an
awkward angle.

It's Mrs. Taylor, she owns most of the horses at this barn, and she runs the joint. She's usually really cranky, and hard on the boarders. But I know she does it out of compassion for the horses.

"I have a doctor's appointment at three, cancer testing today, it was some weird injury I can't
pronounce last week. I just don't get it you know. Mom thinks it arthritis. Doctors don't have a clue." I moan back, my voice so hush from being silent watching my baby in complete misery.

"Ah, it's probably just a torn muscle in those calves. It'll heal it's self and you'll be back in the saddle in no time. Don't you go worrying you pretty little head Emma." Mrs. Taylor said.

I believed her, Mrs. Taylor was the expert at everything. "What worries me is how depressed he's getting. He's not eating his hay, drinking his water. He's not going to be fit by the time I'm back in the saddle. He's getting sick. Between the bills, I'm
not sure we can afford this huge vet bill."

I bit my tongue, I've spent hours picking at grass thinking about it. Mom's told me to drop the subject but I just can't. Mrs. Taylor shakes her bob cut grey hair that falls over her hazel eyes.

"Non-sense child. I think he's just becoming a normal horse."

The clock ticks, at a rate of a million seconds, per every second clock. The time
passes slow, and I don't think I can take the suspense, I try not to worry like Mrs. Taylor says, I know there's no way it's cancer, but there's always that chance. My mom squeezes my hand, she's more worried than me. She's spent so much effort, making sure I had the best coaches, best horse, best training and the best outcome.

She's given me a photo to look at. It's one from the past show, its tinted with black and sepia. Over Chance's chestnut the forest green pops out. Chance, it feels like I haven't seen him in forever, and I'm going into a dark circle without him being here, I need to talk to him. Tell him how I feel like nothing good will come out of this, but I need to believe. I need hope, a chance.

The door pushes open, my doctor, a frail young women with round glasses and a white lab coat with a clip board. She wears her best poker face. She goes over her results, probably trying to think of a well though out, smart speech on our results. The seconds seem like hours, that
she takes to open her mouth.

"Emma Kathrine Baker, age fourteen." Like I don't know how old I am. "We have gone over your test,
and it surprises us. You have one of the most dangerous cancers in your mid leg, it's a killer and by the time, if it does make it to your lungs or origins. It's the end. We can always hope for a hero, which is treatment. But that will make you weak. We have help in the front office."

My jaw drops beside my mother's, my eyes go blurry and my blood runs cold, I can't even hear myself think. I need to scream.

I'm dying inside, there's a killer inside me wanting my blood. There's a chance, I won't live, forget ride.

------------------------------------End of Chapter 1-------------------------------

Say Hello to Goodbye - Chapter 2

by Cara
(Canada)

~Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am...isn't me.~

It's funny how long ago, that day in the paddock seemed. How everything was so perfect, but now, only 24 hours after the news, or what seems like years. Everything is so, well how do I put this in the exact words. Crushed, Destroyed, The Ugly Truth?

I keep replaying what Mrs. Taylor said, about to not go worrying my pretty little head. I really do think about it, but every-time I hear head, I imagine myself looking into a mirror, all my hair gone. I feel myself hot and breathless, I notice that I'm crying now, my whole life, gone. I fall to my bed, I curl up around a unicorn stuffed toy.

I look up at the ceiling, imagining I'm with Chance. Just laying beside him soaking in that Mane-N-Tail scent. I know he doesn't want to see me, but thinking about it comforts me a little. I know there's treatment, a a small miracle, that could send cancer packing, but some how, I don't believe any good will come out of this.

I sit up straight, shocked from a knock at my bedroom door, ribbons, that I had lay across my bed fall to the floor making no sound.

"Emma you okay in there?" The door pushes open, its my mother. She looks as tired as me, bags fall from her eyes and her face is makeup-less. I stare at her, and she reads my messages of pain.

"I'm not saying I have nothing. I'm not saying I'm gone completely. It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? Otherwise there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their teenage years. ut for now, just for now, it hurts."

I try to make sense, of mostly everything right now. I understand her a bit, but I'm only fourteen. What is to understand? I'm dying. The End.

"Well the thing is, I'm not going to live past my teenage year. It's not going to get better. I'm going to die, and you can go on and live your life. Maybe have another cancer free kid. I don't know yet, either do you. But you should just be happy for yourself, that you have time to make up your future."

I try not to show the hurts in my words, I feel like crying again, telling someone, even screaming. But more than anything trail riding, the peaceful-quiet of a light hack. But I will never know that feeling again, all I have is memories.

"Emma!" She barks back at me, her face is red and her eyes are squinted. Maybe I went a bit far. "There's time to be sad, like now. But you do have a future, most patients, as strong as you make it through treatment. Who says you won't?" I try not to look her in the eye, instead I stare at photos of Chance pasted to my walls, it kills me inside knowing I can't see him.

"Emma?" A old beaten voice croaks, it's Mrs. Taylor, I sit up even taller, Mrs. Taylor comes into my room, she's in her usual, jeans tall boots and a rain coat. It's raining, perfect. "Oh Emma its good to see you! You haven't been to the barn all day I was worried." Mrs. Taylor seems jolly, she doesn't know. I don't say anything, I just stare at my mother blank.

"You didn't bother to tell her? You didn't tell her." That's all I can say before my throat hurts. I feel tired again, I try to stay strong in front of Mrs. Taylor, I don't need to see me like this.

"Tell me what? What is going on Emma, Mrs. Baker?" Mrs. Taylor's eyes bounce from my mother, to me.

"Well, Mrs. Taylor. Emma sort of found out she has cancer, just yesterday." My mother drops the words and hides her eyes in shame, that she made me, cancer-girl, C.G.

"What?! Emma! Oh gosh, I'm so very sorry to hear, you will get through it, your the strongest girl I've met. You have it in your bones, you fought through Chance, maybe karma will give you a chance." Mrs. Taylor races through her words, so fast I cant even keep up.

"I start treatment in five days, so I won't see Chance for two weeks. Please, make sure he's hacked well?" The tears fall from my eyes like rain. I need to see him as soon as possible. "I can't imagine him fat, and out of shape. I just cant Mrs.Tee." I'm balling at this point, my unicorn comforts me though.

"Emma, I've never seen you like this. Your always so happy, cancer isn't fun. I know Emma. The thing is, my sister is a cancer patient, she has been for the past two years. She's been the same. But she's alive. She can do things, not all things but that's life Emma. You don't need to be miserable. Your young live." Mrs. Taylor says it likes a no big thing, but it is. I'm not like most girls, I'm just not strong enough.

*****
Thanks for those of you who commented and saw part two and read it, I know this part was a little dull and well 'horse-less'. But I guess this was more of a thinking chapter. Please comment! I love to see those of you how like my story, that's what I do it for and I smile when I see comments so keep them coming! For those of you who liked it comment!*

Say Hello to Goodbye - Chapter 3

by Cara
(Canada)

*Wow! Thanks for the people who read this, and comment. No I found these quotes online, and I just though they were perfect!*

~I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much.~


I look at my hands, they haven't seen the sun in a couple days, and it's taking it out on my usually olive toned skin. I reach them up, and let them glide through my un conditioned hair letting them run through the silky strands. I feel every inch of it.

"Emma are you okay?" The barber looks at me, I've been playing with my hair for the past ten minutes, stalling mostly. Stalling for time, time that I can still look like me.

Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by. I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate? To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait...

"Ya, I'm fine." I drop my hands from head. Closing my eyes, tight. I sniffle up the tears, the sound of the shaver buzzes, like a bee. I can feel its vibrations inch closer, and closer to my head. I want to hide my head again, just stall a little more time. But I feel frozen to the chair. I squeeze my mom's hand tight.

I can feel all the eyes from everyone on me. My eyes are shut, but they burn inside me. I feel, a ton of my hair on my left side drop, my head feels slightly lighter on that side. I squint my eyes, holding in the tears. The rest of my head drops too the ground. I can't even look, I'm holding in enough pain right now already.

"Em, you can look now?" My mom squeezes my hand back. I just shake my head. The burns are burning right through me now. I want to go to the stables, and see Chance.

Slowly I open my eyes. I catch myself in the mirror, my head is white. I reach my hand up to touch it, but there's no golden silky strands of hair there. There's nothing. I let my lip fall and my eyes stare at me, the one behind the golden curls. I can still see my hair there in my imagination, but in reality it's not there. The tears creep down my cheek and I bite my lip. It's gone. I bury my face in my palms. I can't even look at myself anymore.

"Emma, your still the pretty girl, I raised to be. Not to judge people by their outer beauty. You don't need hair to be pretty." My mom pat's my back. I still won't look at anything, I'd rather be blind so I can't look at myself.

"I'm not pretty, I'm hideous." I cry back, I feel hot and breathless, my hands are soggy from all the tears I've been crying.

"Emma Kathrine Baker. I'm trying with you, you are just being stubborn. Unbuckle yourself, and let's go in." My mom barks, I mock her in my head. I reach over across my lap and press the seat belt button.

I push open the Toyota door. I step out onto the gravel, were I stood only six days ago, when I went in positive, I was going to come out negative. I miss that confident self of mine, but that person left long ago, with my health. I take small steps, until we reach the hospital lobby.

"Mrs. Baker." The nurse smiles, as she grabs my arm. We walk up to a private elevator. It takes us up to the Cancer floor. I look at the other kids, just like me in the play room, they stare at me, like I'm a zoo animal. I bite my lip, until we reach my room.

It's full of childish things, there's a television on. I take my seat on the bed. One poster captures my attention. It's a horse over looking a greener pasture, then the one it came up the hill for. Greener Pastures.

"SAY HELLO TO A BRIGHTER FUTURE." The poster says in big purple letters. More like Say Hello to Goodbye I think to myself.

Say Hello to Goodbye - Chapter 4

by Cara
(Canada)

I watched as everyone in the hospital scattered, I stare at my weak hands. They run along my jeans, tracing the denim as I'm listening to the pound of people getting nearer to my far room close to the back of the 'cancer floor'.

I stop and listen, today is the day I can leave this place. Go home and see my beautiful Chance. I hope he's not still mad at me, it's not like I could actually tell him what's going on. The door pushes open, a nurse with my mother by her side creeps in.

"Hey Emma, how you doing?" My mom asks kneeling beside me as I sit on the bed. I look at me feet for a second, all the olive tan I used to have gone. How does it look like I'm doing.

"Swell." I reply in a annoyed tone. I feel no better, just tired and weak. How should I feel?

"Well that's just lovely. You can leave today, come on darling. Chance is waiting for you." She flashes a pearly white smile at me. I don't feel like leaving though. I know Chance is waiting, but what am I supposed to do there? I slowly stand up from the bed, my legs weak underneath me, as I tip toe a few steps, every stride pain.

"Here we are." My mom calls out as we walk up to Chance's pasture, his head is down in the grass his lips not grazing over springs new lawn. Chance is usually an over eater, he looks pretty skinny himself, just like me weak, and underfed. Like an orphan.

I haven't been a good mom, I should have spent some more time with him before I had gone to chemo. I've had him since he was a baby, and me a small nine year old with a big heart.

"He looks disgusting." I notice his white socks, are covered in mud and his mane as dirt knots in them. His body covered in dust. Flea's crawl over his neck.

"He looks like me." I cry a little, I've spent years getting Chance into the beautiful warm-blood he is, how did he fall so far? I imagine all my hair dropping to the floor, it's like Chance, but with his barrel belly. "My Chancie."

I tumble over the fence, not as strong as I used to, my bones aching. I wait for his to prance up to me, nudging me for a sugar cube as I pet his big star. But instead he stays put under the shade of the great oak. I stand there, in shame. It was like the last time I saw him. Mrs. Taylor comes up beside me, breaking my thoughts, her face as is cried and teared as mine.

"He's barley ate. No point in training an unfit pony." She says tapping my shoulder.

I don't shy away. My knees are unbearable now. I try with all my muscles to stay up, as in slow motion they collapse under me. I fall to the ground all parts of my body in pain as I close my eyes, letting out a yelp, my mom runs towards me and Mrs. Taylor falls to the ground beside me.

I can hear Chance knicker, I can't open my eyes and my breathing slows down, shadows appear, as I hear voices whisper to me.

'Everything is going to be alright Emma, remember me put me in your heart and whenever you need me I'll be there. I have to leave for a while but if you look up in the stars, I'm not too far away and I'll look down and think of you.' I remember the voice but I can't put a name on it, as the world fades away.

*Only a couple more chapters left to go :'( sorry I took so long for a reply and no tear-worthy paragraph today :(*