Brilliant! You're good at description without adding too much extra baggage, you're focused on character, plot and setting, and your grammar is very good indeed. All I can suggest is not to start every sentence with "She did..." or "She was..." Just to make it a little more flowing. On the other hand, it might well work as is, if you add a simile or two, because the repetition together with a comparison can give a lyrical, poetic feel. It's still a fabulous story and I can't wait to read Part II. Thanks for sharing it.
