Hey, i don't mean to be rude or anything, but "yes mama" is really spelt "Oui Maman" I know your french, but i've been to france for a month, my father is a french immersion teacher and both my brother and i are in french immersion. I will be completing my 8th year.
Mar 05, 2011 Rating
Excellent! by: Unicorn
So sorry to be commenting late - I didn't see your story for a while!
You are very, very good at voice. Peaceful's voice, the way she thinks, acts, and perceives things, is vastly different to Emilie's voice. Peaceful comes across as playful and innocent; Emilie, troubled and in need of a friend. I can't wait to see how these two points of view connect. Your grammar is actually very good. I like the MSN conversation, but perhaps you could just change the formatting a little bit - with the quotes, it looks like a normal, vocal conversation - you want it to stand out as different. Perhaps you could use asterisks (*) instead of quotes, like this: *cool*. Or you could use these: >cool<. If you're using a word processor, try to write the MSN conversations in bold text or a different font. Playing around with formatting can give you a fresh look on your work. And of course the grammar in the MSN conversation must not be perfect - it must be just like normal people write in MSN.
