Comments for My Beautiful Jasmine - Part 1

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Jun 05, 2012
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story
by: brooklyn

I LOVE THIS STORY! <3 PLZZ MAKE MORE!

May 21, 2012
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i love it.
by: holly

it is a great story! can't wait to see the next part.

May 17, 2012
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5 stars
by: englishrider4life

Doing great, can't wait for more!!

May 17, 2012
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Hi Mary
by: Unicorn

First of all, I LOVE the idea of Sapphire: popular, spoiled, and hating it. You've broken the mold here! The rich snob character is a cliche in the world of horse stories and you've turned it on its head. Brilliant!
Plot and character are good in this story. The description of Sapphire - especially "willowy", I liked that - is well done. You could try to make your sentences a bit more interesting: you've got a few "crutches" (words, phrases or styles you may overuse). Look out for the words "definite" and "gorgeous", as well as beginning sentences with "Sapphire frowned/smiled/grinned as..." All round, an excellent story and I can't wait for Part 2! Please write on, you're very talented.

Unicorn

writer of "El Cheapo" www.horsecrazygirls.com/el-cheapo-part-i.html

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