Moonstone's Pride - Part 1

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

I wrote this story myself,I hope you all like it!!!!:)

"Brooke wake up!!!",Mom yells."it's time for you to get up!The show is today!You have to get Moon ready!"

I jump out of bed and take a quick ten minute shower.I pull my long black hair into a ponytail and put on a bit of mascara.I change into my riding pants and pull my boots on.

"Brooke!Are you ready yet?" My best friend Carly yells.

"Coming!!" I yell. I quickly put on a purple t-shirt and take my show clothes to my mom. "Keep them clean, please!"

Carly and I run out of the two story house and take the,normally ten minute walk, 5 minute run to the stable. Carly heads off to her horse,a chestnut Thoroughbred-AQH mix, Trix. I walk down the long corridor and dapple gray head pops out of a stall.

"Hey Moon! Are you ready for the show?" I rub her ears affectionately. I run into the tack room and grab Moons' grooming kit. By the time I get Moon ready for the show it's almost time for us to ride.

"Go get changed I'll tack Moon up!" Carly yells. "Hurry!!!"

"Thanks! I owe you!" I yell. I find my mom and change into my show clothes. I have about twenty minutes before I have to ride so I take Moon to the warm-up arena.

A small jump is set up in the middle, I kick Moon into a trot then a canter, I do a lead change and turn her to the jump. She jumps it easily and shakes her head. "Show off!" I mumble, smiling.
Someone beside me laughs and I turn to look at them.

A boy on a black horse looks a me from a few paces away and smiles. Being polite I smile back then put my attention back on Moon.

"Brooke!" Carly yells from the fence. "It's almost time for you to ride Show Jumping!"

I turn Moon and ride her out of the arena to Carly. "How much time do I have?"

"About five minutes.. then probably an hour till cross country." She smiles. "That boy is staring at you!"

I turn and look. Sure enough the boy on the black horse was looking at me. "Oh well, he's probably just checking out his competition." I shrug.

"Will Brooke Jackson, number 134, please report to the waiting area!"

"Good luck!" Carly and my mom yell together. I turn Moon and trot her to the waiting area.

"Are you Brooke?" A woman with brown curly hair asks. I nod. "Follow me please," she turns and walks away.

I nudge Moon into a walk and follow the woman to the entrance of the arena. "When the last competitor rides out, you will wait for a bell. When you hear the bell you may begin when you're ready, good luck." She turns and walks away.
I take a deep breath and pet Moon.

"Up next is number 134, Brooke Jackson, riding Moonstone's Pride! Now this is a good pair to watch ladies and gentlemen!" The announcer says. The last rider leaves the arena.

I take a couple deep breath and pet Moon. The bell sounds off and Moon jumps into a canter.
I do a half halt and she slows and little and begins to listen.

I lead her to an oxer, a triple combination, a high jump and a brightly colored gate. The last jump had water behind it and flowers covering it.

Moon does a smooth lead change and increases her pace a little as she nears the jumps. Her ears flicker back as she begins to get nervous. "It's okay girl, we can do this!" I encourage her.

She calms down and pushes off into a powerful jump. Her hooves land inches from the water.
"Well ladies and gentlemen that was a clear ride for Brooke and Moonstone's Pride! Very well done!" The announcer says.

I slow Moon to a trot and rub her neck. She arches her neck and puts her ears forward, showing off. I smile and ride her out of the arena.

"Good job!"

I turn and look to see the boy on the black horse.

"Thanks! It was all Moon though, she's the one who was great." I jump out of the saddle and loosen the girth.

"I'm Eric." He smiles. "And this is Shadow."

"I'm Brooke and this is Moon." I smile.

"Brooke!" Carly yells.

"I'll see you around?" I ask.

"Yes you will." He flashes a smile.

I lead Moon over to Carly. "How was dressage?" I smile.

"It was...AMAZING!!!!" She squeals."So who where you talking to?" She smiles.

"Eric." I walk Moon to her stall since there where to many people outside and take her saddle and bridle off.

"Take a nap sweetheart. You're gonna need your energy for cross country!" I give her some water and almost run into Jaz.

"Hey watch it!" Jaz snaps.

"Sorry, I didn't see you." I reply. I turn and walk back outside to watch Carly's Show Jumping class.

*I WILL DO ANOTHER IF I GET COMMENTS!!!*

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 1

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 15, 2014
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Awesome work :)
by: ChaseYourDreams

Great work Kelsei! I loved this series so much! Please write a sequel! :)

Apr 27, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks!
by: Kelsei

thanks everyone! I'll post part 2 soon! And Jasmine what's the name of your story?? I'm sure it's great! And Jaz is the rich girl who goes to the same stable as Brooke and Carly:) and Jaz is really mean..

Apr 22, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
:):):):)
by: Anonymous

EEKKK!! Write more!!!

Apr 22, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Great job
by: Horseluver4evernever

Wow! Great story! Just one question, umm who is jaz? Is he gonna be explained next part? Hope you post it soon!!!!:)

Apr 21, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Great
by: Jasmine

I really liked your part 1 of your story. I wrote a story of my own but no one has commented on it. It wasn't as good as yours though.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.

Moonstone's Pride - Part 2

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

I found my mom sitting in the stands and sat next to her.

"You were great,honey!" Mom squeals.

"It was all Moon, not me!" I laugh. "All I did was tell her where to go, she did the hard part."

"Number 254, Carly Stryder, riding Trix." The announcers voice booms. Silence falls over the arena and I clasp my hands together.

"BEEP!" The bell yells. Carly kicks Trix into a canter,they glide to the first jump and take it easily. On the triple combination Trix accidentally knocks one pole down. Carly and Trix recover quickly, and take the flower gate easily. The lead change was amazing and they jump the water jump easily.

"That was Carly Stryder and Trix with a fault of four points." The announcer booms. I walk down the stands and go to Carly. "That was amazing! You should have seen that lead change! It was awesome!" I smile at her.

"Thanks! I'm just happy that I only knocked one pole down!" Carly smiles. She jumps off Trix and loosens her girth.

"Want some help brushing her down?" I ask smiling.

"Always!" Carly laughs. I walk with her to the stables and see that Eric dude talking to Jas. I look away quickly when Jaz turns to glare at me.
Jaz is well, Jaz. She has long blond hair and ice blue eyes.

She hates me for some unknown reason, but I don't let it bother me at all. Her parents got divorced last year and she owns a Dutch Warmblood named Crescent Sky. I hear her and Eric arguing as Carly and I walk by, but I ignore it and keep walking. When we get Trix untacked and brushed Carly looks at me and smiles.

"What?" I ask ,horrified.

"Oh nothing. Hey don't give me that look! Im not up to anything...yet!" She grins evilly.

"Uh oh. What did you hear? Spill it. Now!" I smile.

"Okay well,I heard that Eric is moving here this week or next week and Jaz's dad is getting married to Eric's mom!!" She smiles, pleased with herself.

My face starts getting warm. Then I remember about cross country. "Omigosh! What time is it!" I half-yell.

"3:30! Run and get Moon! I'll grab her tack!" Carly yells. I run out of the stall and grab Moon's halter. "Moon!" I yell.

Her gorgeous head pops out of her stall, I pull the door open and put the halter on her. "Hurry girl!" I take off running and she follows me, trotting.

"Carly?" I yell.

"Over here!" I turn and see Carly standing beside a pair of cross ties. I pull Moon over there, and hook the ropes to her halter. By the time we are done its 3:45, I have 15 minutes to warm Moon up before I ride.

I jump on her back, into the saddle and ride her to the warm-up ring. Moon goes into a trot and goes in lazy figure eights. I point her to the practice jump and she takes it easily. She goes into a canter and I pull her into tighter figure eights. I do a few lead changes and then slow her to a walk.

"Will contestant number 134 please go to the starting point of the cross country." I ride at a fast walk to the starting point. The same woman as before was there.

"You know the rules. Wait till you hear the bell before starting. Good luck." She walks away. I pet Moon and take deep breaths.

"Next contestant is number 134, Brooke Jackson riding Moonstone's Pride." The announcer booms.
I take a deep breath,and Moon goes still.

"Beep!" The bell rings out.

Moon jumps into a fast canter and heads into the woods. A broken tree was jumped easily, then we ran through the small stream. A picnic table painted pink loomed in front of us.

I pet Moon once and she jumped beautifully. A few more trees and a gate was set up.Moon jumped amazingly and set off towards the meadow. When we reached the meadow she jumped into a gallop and zoomed forward. All that was left were a set of hay bales and a tire pyramid.

I slowed Moon to a canter and we flew over the bales of hay.At the sight of the tires Moon flicked her ears back and forth.

"We've got this, girl. Trust me." I gave her a pat and she jump high above the tire pyramid. I slowed her as we past the finish line.

The vet came and checked her over, then told me to cool her down. I walked her slowly back to the stable,by the time we got back she was fine.I put her on the cross ties and pulled the saddle and saddle pad off.

"Want some help?" I look up and see Eric.

"Sure, will you put her saddle and saddle pad up?"

"Sure!" He smiles and walks to the tack room. I open the trunk in front of Moons stall and take out her brushes and give her a cookie.

"You were great today, sugar!" I pet her then grab the brushes and brush her down. I pull off her bridle and put the halter on her.

"Want me to put that up to?" Eric walks up.

"Do you mind?" I ask smiling.

"Anything to help a pretty girl." He smiles and goes to put up Moon's bridle.

"Brooke!" Carly runs up. "You were amazing!" She squeals. "I have so much to tell you right now!"

"Can it wait till we get to my house?" I smile and look for Eric.

"Why?" She asks, studying me. I smile.

"Hey Brooke? Do you think you could help me with Shadow?" Eric walks up. "Oh hi! I'm Eric."

"Hi! I'm Carly, Brooke's best friend." Carly shoots me the you-better-spill-later-or-else look and I smile back.

"Sure. Let me put Moon in the paddock." I unhook the ropes and walk Moon to the paddock. "Have fun.You deserve it." I pet her again open the gate. She shoots forward and runs to Trix. I smile at them then go back in the stables.

Carly and Eric are talking to another guy. He has brown hair that sort of long, just stopping above his eyebrows.

"Hey." I smile. "I'm Brooke."
"Hi. I'm Ian." He smiles. I look at Carly and she smiles. I smile back and look at Eric.

"Still need help with Shadow?"

"Yea let's go!" He smiles. I walk beside him and stop at the stall across from Moon's. "There's Moon's stall!" I point.

"Cool! Our horses will be right beside each other!" He smiles.

"Yeah." I smile back.

"Eric! Your mom is looking for you!" Jaz stomps up. She glares at me. I glare back.

"What are you looking at?" She hisses. I just smile in return, which makes her madder.

"Leave her alone Jaz." Eric says back.

"Go find your mom, I'll look after Shadow." I say.
he stares at me for a moment, then sighs.

"Thanks, I'll be back soon." He turns and leaves with Jaz stomping behind him. By the time I'm done with Shadow Eric walks up.

"Thanks."

"No problem," I smile. My phone vibrates in my pocket, I answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey we are about to leave!" Carly says.

"Coming!" I hang up. "I have to go." I say awkwardly.

"What's your number?" Eric smiles. I hand him my phone and he puts his number in it. He hands me his and I do the same.

"Bye!" I turn and walk out the stables to my mom's car. When we get home Carly and I head to my room.

"I have so much to tell you!" Carly squeals happily.

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 2

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

May 14, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
:)
by: Kelsei

I'll post another one in a few days:)

May 13, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
love your storie
by: Ali

I love your stories. you have got to make more please.........................

May 02, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks
by: Kelsei

Thanks a lot! I really needed that! Thank you for telling me, I'll make sure to put more description in the next chapter!

May 02, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks
by: Kelsei

Thanks for telling me! I didn't really know if I needed to or not! but now I do! So thank you!

May 02, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Kelsei
by: Unicorn

This is getting very very interesting! The plot is developing nicely after Part 1. I want Moon! :)
On a more serious note, I actually liked the hint of detail in Ian's description - not too much, not too little. However as TheRider said, some unusual words (like her use of "swayed") could make the description even better.
I like the tension between Jaz and Eric, it will be fascinating to see how it all turns out. Plus, I'm dying to hear what on Earth Carly's up to. Please write more!
Unicorn

Apr 30, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
EEEEKKK
by: TheRider

Write more!!!!!!

One thing:

Describe a little more, instead of:

Carly and Eric are talking to another guy. He has brown hair that sort of long, just stopping above his eyebrows.

Carly and Eric were loudly chatting with another rider. The rider had slick brown hair, that came about shoulder link, and swayed over his eyes!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.

Moonstone's Pride - Part 3

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

My mom pulls into the driveway at our house,and Carly and I jump out the vehicle.When we are in my room I collapse on the bed.
"Ugh!I hate having to wake up early for competitions!"I moan."I feel like my eyes are about to fall out of my head!"
"You know you would wake up early anyways!"Carly throws my pillow at me."And,of course,I would be right there with you!So,what happened with Eric??"She smiles and sits next to me on the bed.
"Nope!Im not saying anything until you tell me about Ian!"I smile."So??"
"Fine!"Carly laughs."Umm,let's see.He is going to be moving here in a few days.Omigod,you should see his horse!He is gorgeous!His name is Abbadon,he is a thoroughbred,and he is a beautiful chestnut with a blaze and one right sock."She sighs and gets a dreamy look on her face.
"Oh,so you just like him for his horse,huh?"I smile,trying not to laugh.
Carly's face turns red."No!I never said I liked him!"
"You didn't have to!"I laugh."It was written all over your face!"
Just then my phone vibrates in my pocket.I look at it and I have a txt from Eric.I feel my face get warm.
"Wonder who THAT could be!"Carly says in a sing-song voice.She snatches my phone from my hand and runs downstairs.
"CARLY!"I scream. I chase after her,but man she can run. Right when I get my phone back a man pulls into the driveway.
"Brooke Jackson?"He walks towards me.
I stop and look at him.He was about 6'2 with black hair and blue eyes.His hair was short and spiked up with hairspray or something.His eyes stared at me with wounder,they looked like the color of the sky on a gorgeous summer day.
"Yes?"I say slowly.I look inside the house and see my mom coming.
Before he said anything my mom came outside and glared at him.
"Why are you here,Liam?"She snarled.
"It is time,Jacie."He smiles a twisted smile."You can't stop this."
I had never heard anyone call my mom by her first name.
"Mom?" I say slowly.
My mom softens her gaze and she looks at me."Yes dear?"
"Umm,what is he talking about?"My gaze flickers to the man,Liam,then back to my mom.
"Oh,nothing.But since he is here,I would like to introduce you to your father." She looks down.
I gaze at this man,so this is the father that I have never met before.The man who left us,my mom and I.
Liam smiles at me.I just stare blankly at him.
I look at Carly.
Carly tries to smile,but fails miserably.
I can't do this.This man isn't my father.He can't be.I look at my mom,but she won't look at me.She just stares at the ground.I look at the man who is supposed to be my father.He stares back.
The passenger door to his vehicle opens,and a boy with white hair and eyes as blue as the ocean gets out.
"Brooke.This is Jared.He will be staying with you.He is 17 and will go to school with you."Liam says in a strong voice."He is not in any way part of the family.I am just watching him,seeing as I am his legal guardian now.His dad died in the army with me, we were best friends."
I look over at Jared,and he smiles a cocky smile.I glare.
My body shakes with anger and frustration.Carly gently grabs my arm.
I look at my "father" and glare. Frustrated tears gleam in my eyes. How could a man I don't know just come up out of nowhere and expect me to do as he tells me to?When he says he my father?!?!Where has he been all those times when I needed him?When mom needed him?
I take of running down the road to the stables.
"Brooke!"Carly yells.
I hear my mom calm her down."She just needs to be alone for a while to think it over,I'll take you home now."
I run as fast as my legs will take me to the stable.I need Moon.She is the only one who will understand.I grab her tack.Tears fall down my face.I call her from the paddock and she trots over,concerned.I pull her halter off and tack her up.
"Brooke!"I turn as I jump into the saddle.
Liam stands a few yards away,breathing hard.
I glare at him.
Moon jumps into a gallop and goes for the woods.We jump over fallen trees,gallop through the meadow,and race to the pond.
......
I'll post another tomorrow!I know it's short,but I don't have that much time right now!Sorry!

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 3

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

May 24, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks
by: Kelsei

Unicorn-your welcome(: and thanks for telling me about the things with spaces and words!
Sara-I'll try to make more!:)
I'll post part 4 in a few days. i promise! i just have a lot to do on the farm and I have swimming practice too! I will try my best to put part 4 in soon!

May 22, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Make More!
by: Sara

Make more!! make more!! make more!! make moreeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

May 22, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Sorry
by: Kelsei

Hi, guys if you don't like it just tell me and I'll rewrite it... I wasn't in a great mood when I wrote this. i'm really sorry if y'all don't like it or find it offensive somehow! Please tell me if you don't!

May 22, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Kelsei
by: Unicorn

Ooooh, and the plot grows thicker! I'm loving it. Your point of view is excellent - we see everything through Brooke's eyes to the point that I hate Jared and Liam almost as much as she does - and your character descriptions are very good (watch out for overusing the ocean blue eyes).

A lot of spaces are missing in the writing (this could be a computer error, not a writer's, because I don't remember the other parts of your story having this) and look out for the word "glare", you can replace it with a lot of interesting synonyms (glower, for example), but this is a brilliant story with a very strong plot and I can't wait for more!
Keep writing!

Unicorn

P. S. Thanks for commenting on "El Cheapo"!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.

Moonstone's Pride - Part 4

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

Moon galloped as fast as her legs could go,then she went faster.
My black hair whipped behind me as i rode towards the pond.
"That man is NOT my father!"I yell as loud as I can."He NEVER will be!"
Moon flicks an ear back towards me,and she slows to a fast canter.
I run my hand down her smooth neck,feeling her soft,silky hair.Tears burn my vision as I pull Moon to a stop.I stumble out of the saddle and grasp Moon in a tight hug.
Moon rests her head on my back,almost as if she was hugging me back.She nickers softly,calming me down.It almost seemed as though she was saying it will be okay.
I let the tears fall. They stream down my face as I hug my angel.I pull out of the hug and Moon stares at me with loving eyes. I run my hand down her face. With slow,shaky breaths I sit down.
I wonder how my mother must feel right now. Is she happy that I know who my "father" is? Is she crying,feeling sorry for me? What about my "father"? Does he even care about me? Does he feel sorry about leaving mom with me? Does he feel sad for missing out on fifeteen years of my life?
It's then at that moment that I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to ignore them all. My father for never being there for me. My mother for never telling me about him. I don't know about Jared yet. But they will pay for what they did. I could feel my heart hardening,going cold. I wouldn't be Brooke,the girl that's always happy,but Brooke,the cold hearted warrior who gets revenge.The only friend I will have now is Moon,but that's okay she will never betray me like they did.This I know.
My thoughts drift to Carly and Eric.
Carly is my best friend who has been here through thick and thin. She always made me smile,even when my dog Galen died. No,I couldn't leave her.She would still be my best friend,my sister.
Eric. I've just met him,but I like him..a lot. He could be a really good friend,if not more. He understands me. So,yes. I won't block him out.
I walk over to the pond. The clear water shimmers in the sunlight and fish dart in different directions. The trees surrounding the pond are green with leaves. The sky is a brilliant baby blue and few clouds are in the sky. The sun slowly sets and burnt orange,soft pink,and a hint of purple turn the sky.
Moon nudges me with her nose,telling me it's time to go.
I rub my hand along her face,threw her silky mane,and down her neck. I jump into the saddle and turn her to the stables.
Moon shakes her head a shoots into a gallop.
I turn her to a fallen tree.
She springs into a high jump. Then we flew over it. It was perfect.
I turned her to the stables and she flew over the ground. Her strides ate up the ground and we soared,almost flying, to the stable. I slowed her to a walk as we neared the paddock,and I jumped out of the saddle.
Reluctantly I walked her to her stall and untacked her.
By the time I had her groomed and fed she was asleep in her stall.
I smile at her,running my hand one more time down her neck before I turn to walk home.
As soon as I walk in the house mom runs up to me.
"Where have you been?Did you know how worried I was?"She screams.
I was about to answer when Liam walks up behind her. My fathers stony gaze was locked on me and I glowered at him.
"What you did was unacceptable Brooke."Liam's gaze never leaves my face."I am very disappointed in you. Do you know how long you were gone? Five hours. Your mother and I were about to report you missing. The lady from the stable called and told us that she saw you tearing out towards the woods on Moon! Do you know what are in those woods?Wolves!Bears!What were you thinking??"
"What I was thinking was my so called father,who I thought was dead,showed up out of NOWHERE and expected me to be all happy and loving!"I start shaking."Where we're you when mom needed you all those years?When I needed you?Where?Huh?"
I breath in deeply.
My "father" just stands there. Not saying anything,just looking lost and sad.
"WHERE WERE YOU?"I scream."That's right.You weren't here!All those nights that mom cried herself to sleep.When I fell off Moon the first time and broke my arm. When mom and I got in a car wreck. When Moon got colic and I stayed up for three nights trying to save her. When Galen died.Where we're you?" My voice drops to a whisper."You weren't here."
I run up the stairs to my room and fall on my bed,crying.The whole night I tossed and turned. Every time I woke up I cried. I tried to forget,but for some reason I couldn't.
I gave up and walked downstairs .The clock said it was 7:34 so I got a bowl of cereal and ate a little of it.
My mom came downstairs,but she didn't say anything.
I walked to my room and Jared passed me on the stairs.
"Hey is there anything to eat here?"He grins.
"Yea.Look in the fridge."I mumble on the way past him.
I get to my room and lock the door.
My phone buzzes beside me.
I ignore it.
I stay locked in my room for the rest of the day.
The next day Carly comes by and practically knocks my bedroom door down.
"Brooke Jackson if you don't open this door I will break it down!"Carly yells.
"Go away!"I yell back.
"ONE!"Carly screams."TWO!If I get to three you will not have a door anymore!"
I ignore her.
"THREE!"She slams into my door and it shakes.
I groan and open the door slowly.
Carly stands in my doorway and looks me up and down."Honey,you look a mess!Go get a shower!Now!"She orders me.
"No."I turn around and fall back on my bed.
"Brooke Nicole Jackson!Get up!NOW!" She grabs my arm and pulls me up.
"Fine!"I say grumpily.
I grab some clothes and go to the bathroom. After I take a shower I brush my teeth and scrub my face.
"Are you happy n-"I freeze.
Eric is in my room. He is in my bedroom.
"Hi."He smiles."You never txt me back,so I decided to come check on you.Mrs.Conner told me about you and Moon tearing out and going to the wood,then coming back late. I came to see if you were okay."
"Oh. Um,where did Carly go?"I manage to choke out.
"She went downstairs to get some food."He smiles again.
I smile back."Oh.Well as you can see I'm fine.im sorry about not txt you back,but it's just been kind of hard. My father just came home. I didn't even know he was alive. It's just always been my mom and I.Then he just showed up out of nowhere.My phones been off all night."
"Its okay,I was just checking."his eyes shimmer."I'm glad your okay.Look I have to go,but I'll see at the stable."
"Bye"I whisper.
Unexpectedly he hugs me.
I quickly return the hug and he walks out.
"Brooke!Eat this then you have to see Moon!"Carly runs in with a pb and j sandwich and some Cheetos.
I gobble the food and drink a glass of water.
We walk out the house and start down the road.
I turn around and look at the house. My "father" looks out of the kitchen window at me,sadness clouds his face.
I turn back around quickly.
"Brooke!"Jared yells. He jogs and catches up with Carly and I."Where are y'all going?"
"The stables."I look at him and smile."Want to come?"
"Sure"He smiles."I've never rode a horse before."
"Well aren't you lucky that your living in the same house as the two time state champion!"Carly smiles.

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 4

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

May 31, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Kelsei
by: Unicorn

It's a great pleasure to read your lovely story.

May 29, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks guys!
by: Kelsei

Unicorn - your welcome! I'll try to remember about the smile! Thanks a lot for helping with my story! Bee-Thank you! I'll try to write again soon!
Horselove10510- Thanks! Of course you should write a story! Tell my when you do and I'll read it and post comments to help you with your story! I promise!

May 29, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I LOVE YOUR STORIES
by: horselove10510

oh my gosh it's been such a long time since i read a good stories like this. I absolutely love your stories, should i write some?? :)

May 28, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Awesome!
by: Bee

Your stories are awesome! They all keep me waiting for the next! Please hurry!

May 28, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Kelsei
by: Unicorn

Good work! "Ocean blue" and "glare" have disappeared, your prose is a lot stronger. I love the development in Brooke, your character work is brilliant. Look out for "smile" - your people smile a lot - like "glare", it gets dry after awhile. Try elaborating a little: "The corner of his mouth twitched up..." "Her smile was shy, almost hidden..." "He gave me a lopsided grin..." Just as an example :-) Great story. I can't wait to hear the rest of it!

Unicorn

P. S. Thanks for the comments on "El Cheapo" - they helped a lot!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.

Moonstone's Pride - Part 5

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

"Mrs.Conner?" I say and look into her office.

"Yes?" Mrs.Conner turns around in her chair and looks at me.

"I was wondering if Carly and I could borrow one of the stable horses." I look pleadingly at her.

"Why?" She looks questioningly at me.

"A family friend is staying with me,and he has never rode a horse before." I explain.

"Fine. I will be by in a few minutes to see if he knows enough to go on a trail with you." She says warmly.

"Thank you!" I grin at her.

"Take Sammy, he's good for beginners. His tack should be in the tack room." She nods.
I turn and walk out.

"So?What did she say??" Carly asks quickly.
"She said yes! But Jared has to ride Sammy. I'll go get his tack and you can groom him."I turn to the tack room.

"Brooke?" I turn around and see Eric with his arm around Amy.

"Oh, um. Hi." I wave and practically run to the tack room. I grab Sammy"s saddle and bridle and go to find Carly.

"Brooke! Over here!" Jared yells.

I walk over to him. "Where"s Carly?"

"Sammy took off running into the woods and Carly went to get Mrs.Conner."He frowns.

"What??" I set the saddle and bridle on the trunk outside of Sammy's stall and run to Mrs.Conners office.

"Brooke! I need you and Carly to go after Sammy!I have to leave. My new horse will be at the train any minute now."She looks at her watch.

"Okay". Carly and I run to the tack room and grab western saddles and bridles.

"Brooke!Carly! Take Azriel and Blaze! They're western horses!" Mrs.Conner points to two horses grazing in the paddock. Carly and I run to the paddock and the horses run up.

"I'll take the blue roan. You can have the chestnut." I say to Carly since the roan was closer to me. I throw the saddle on Azriel and buckle the straps. Then I put the bridle on him.

"Ready?"I jump into the saddle.

Carly opens the gate and I ride Azriel out of the paddock. "Let's go!" She closes the gate and jumps into the saddle. Azriel jumps into a gallop and his long black mane whips my face.

Just as we enter the wood a loud neigh from the west sounds.

"The pond!" I scream to Carly. I urge Azriel to go faster,and he quickens his pace. We weave in and out of trees,and go across the river.

As we near the pond I can make out Sammy's brown head,once the color of a shiny penny,now covered with dirt and blood.

"Carly! Go back to the stables! Call the vet!GO!" I scream. Carly quickly turns Blaze and he sprints back to the stables. Azriel let's out a shrill neigh when he see's Sammy.

Sammy lays beside the pond. Claw marks go down his neck. The rugged cuts bleed badly. I jump out of the saddle and run to the chestnut horse. A low growl beside me says that the animal is still here. I turn around and a wolf with eyes as dark as night growls at me. I look beside me and pick up a rock.

The wolf lunges at me and I dodge him,but I still stand in front of the horses. His black muzzle lifts, showing huge, sharp teeth. I take a step back and he lunges again. I swing the rock as hard as I can,and with a crack, it hits the wolfs front leg.

The wolf stumbles and falls,but recovers quickly. He snarls and jumps around. Far away I hear hoof beats and I pray for them to hurry. The wolf lunges again and grabs my shoulder in his teeth.
I scream out in pain and the hoof beats speed up.
Suddenly I see Moon, Carly, The Vet, Jared, Mrs.Conner, and for some reason Liam.

Moon's ears flattens and she bares her teeth as she charges the wolf. "My angel is rescuing me." I think to myself as blackness over comes me.
I hear someone scream my name in the distance.

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 5

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 04, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Jo
by: Kelsei

Thanks for reading my story! I read yours and it's amazing! Your a really good writer!:)

May 31, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Amazing
by: Joanna (Jo)

Wow! This was fantastic! I loved it all. I read all of your other parts of Moonstone's Pride, and I think I love this one by far the most. Great job!

Please read my new story; Smokey-Part 1

May 31, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hey Unicorn!!
by: Kelsei

Thanks for the tips! I'm going to post chapter 6 today!

May 31, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Kelsei
by: Unicorn

Wow! You really have my adrenalin pumping now. There's never a dull moment in this story. Keep an eye out for small errors - why does Carly put Azriel's saddle on first, instead of his bridle? Why did the wolf claw Sammy instead of biting him? - but these "errors" could easily be plot points you have yet to reveal (maybe Carly put the saddle on first because she's so stressed she's not focusing, or it wasn't the wolf that clawed Sammy after all, but some other enemy).
This is really a great story and I am thoroughly enjoying it. Please write on!

Unicorn

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.

Moonstone's Pride - Part 6

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

My shoulder hurts. I try to turn on my side,but the railings on the bed won't let me. Railings? My eyes fly open as I look around the unfamiliar room.

A t.v. was set up on the wall. The room was all white and two green chairs were sat beside me. A large window with green curtains was opposite of me.

"Oh, I see your up! Tha'ts good,dear." A nurse with curly blond hair and chubby cheeks walked in the room with a tray of food. "You need to eat, child."

"Where's my horse?" I whisper. "Where is my mom? Or dad?"

"Oh sweety. Your dad took your mom home, she was hysterical. He should be coming back soon." She smiles. "You need to eat."

"What about Moon?" I ask quickly.

"Nope. I'm not saying anything else till you eat." She hands me the food. I look at the broth and jello. Bile rises in my throat and I fight the urge to puke.

"Oh sweetheart." She pats my good arm. "I'll leave the water and you can press the button beside your bed when you are hungry." She smiles and leaves the room with the tray of food.

A picture on the wall of men riding horses and chasing after dogs mocks me from the wall.
The man in front is riding a horse that looks just like Moon.
The horse looks as if it's charging forward without fear. It's ears are pricked forward and it's gaze intent. Just like Moon. Panic eats away at me as I wait for Liam to come back.

What happened to Moon? Is Sammy okay?What about Azriel? Did anyone else get hurt? Is the wolf gone? The door opens and Liam walks in with Carly.

"Brooke!" Carly runs over to me and hugs me.
Pain shoots down my arm.

"Ow." I whisper.

"Oops!! Sorry!" Carly jumps back a little. "How are you?"

"Fine. My shoulder hurts a little, but im okay." I try to smile. "How is Moon? Is she okay? What about Sammy? Azriel? The wolf??"

"Azriel is fine, but Sammy is hurt bad. The vet saod that he will be fine though. The wolf did a lot of damage." She frowns and her eyes fill with tears. "Moon is fine, but you should have saw her. She KNEW something was wrong. She kicked her stall down and took off at a gallop until she found you. Omigod Brooke I thought you were dead when you passed out!" She grabbed me in a bear hug, but didn't touch my shoulder. I hugged her back as hard as I could.

"Moon literally ripped the wolf apart and wouldn't let anyone touch you. She kept nudging you and then she would lay her ears back at anyone who got close to you. We had to chase her off to get the paramedics to you."

I stood up from the bed, and almost fell.Liam lunges and catches me. "Where are you going?"

"To see Moon." I look around the room to find my clothes.

"You're not well enough to leave yet. Lay back down." Liam lays me on the bed.

"No! If you didn't hear, I'm FINE!" I stand back up. "Now where are my clothes? I have to check on Moon."

"Fine." Liam lets out a defeated sigh. I find my clothes and head to the bathroom. Blood and dirt are matted in my hair and there is a faint bruise on my face from when I fell.

I take a quick shower and change into my clothes. I open the bathroom door and Eric rushes up to me.

"Are you okay? I was SO worried when I heard what happened!"Eric hugs me.
I push him off of me."I'm fine." I look at Liam and Carly. "Are we going?" Liam nods and we walk past a stunned looking Eric.

"Brooke wait!" Eric runs up beside me. "Are you mad at me?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask Nicole or whoever it was you were "talking" to beside the tack room." I turn around and walk out the hospital and get in Liam's truck.

The ride to the stable was quiet,and when Liam pulled up to the stables I jump quickly out of the truck.

"Moon!" I scream.

I run as quickly as I can to the round corral. The vet stops me before I open the gate.

"Be careful..She's gone crazy." He shakes his head. I open the gate to the corral and walk in.

"Moon?" I whisper. My beautiful angel watched me with her ears pricked forward,she nickered and galloped across the small pen to me. I wrap my arms around her neck and she leans her head down,hugging me back. I stroke her velvety neck and she follows me out of the corral.

"Excuse me! What do you think your doing??" The vet runs up. "That horse is crazy! He nearly attacked me when I tried to help a girl!"

"That girl was me!" I hiss. "And she was trying to protect me! Look at her! Does she look dangerous?? NO!"

I walk off and Moon follows me to her (now fixed) stall.

"Brooke?" Ian walks up.
"Oh, hi Ian." I smile. "Are you looking for Carly? She's at Trix's stall, I think."

"No I was looking of you. Are you okay? I heard about the wolf and Sammy." He looks sad. " I wanted to tell you I thought you were very brave to take on the wolf. I know you saved Sammy from a lot of pain." He smiles at me.

"Does the vet think that he'll be okay?" I feel panic rise in me.

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 6

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 04, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks!
by: Kelsei

Thanks guys! This really means a lot! I'll try to post part 7 soon!

Jun 03, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Wow!
by: Star

You have blown me away with your stories, please keep on going because it would be a shame if you stopped. I bet you have a lot of secret fans!
From Star xxx

Jun 03, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
i luv ur stories
by: Anonymous

i love your stories and have i read all of them.

Jun 01, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
:-)
by: Anonymous

Please write part two :)

Jun 01, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Wow.
by: Unicorn

Kelsei, you blew me away! Good golly! The opening is exceptional; the description of the picture on the wall "mocking" Brooke is excellent. Very, very well done. This story gets stronger with every new installment and I really can't wait to see where this story - and this author - goes. Keep an eye on your tenses; you tell some of the story in present tense (I walk, she rides, he runs) and some in past tense (I walked, she rode, he ran). Pick one and stick to it.
Well written. Please keep on!

Unicorn

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.

Moonstone's Pride - Part 7

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

"Yeah. He should be." Ian smiles.

I sigh. "Well that's good." Moon nudges me.

"Brooke?" Liam walks up. "We need to leave."

"Okay." I nod. "Bye Ian! See you later!" I turn around and hug Moon. "I love you sweetheart."

As soon as I leave the stables a woman wearing business clothes and holding a microphone runs to me.

"Brooke!" The woman yells. "Guys over here!" A man holding a camera runs up behind her.

"Yes?" I say.

"Hi! I'm Molly Dean from the news! We heard about your amazing battle to save a horse and then your own horse saving your life!Do you mind if we video you? I'll just ask a few questions!" She pleads.

"Sure." I shrug and then wince as my shoulder erupts in pain.

"Okay! Three. Two. One!" The camera man points. "Hi! I'm Molly Dean here with your evening news! I'm here with a very special young lady tonight!" She smirks. "This is Brooke Jackson! A normal fifteen year old girl, who risked her life to save an injured horse from a wolf! Now tell me, Brooke. Why did you do it?"

"Because I did what I thought was right. I saw an animal in need of help. I didn't think,I just did." I look at the camera and nod.

"Well you got yourself injured! Don't you think it was kind of stupid to put yourself in danger for a horse?" She stares.

"No I don't. If I could go back,I would do it the same way." I turn to look at her. "You might not have heard the whole story ,but I owe my life to my horse. The wolf had attacked me and my horse, Moonstone's Pride, saved my life. She kicked her stall down. She put herself in harms way to save me! Just as I did for Sammy. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here right now. I would gladly die in place of a horse! So no. I don't think it was stupid to put myself in harms way for a horse. Maybe YOU and some other people will never understand that. But there our some people in this world who do understand." I nod to her.

"U-um do you think...?" She nods to my shoulder.
I pull the side of my shirt down to show them my shoulder. Molly looks away quickly.

"You see, I'm lucky. It could have been worse. But God didn't want that to happen. He had my Guardian Angel looking out for me." I look at Molly. "Would you like to know who my Angel is? It is no human. No dog. No cat. Or even a graceful bird. It is a horse. God's greatest gift known to man. A creature that can never really be tamed, no matter how hard someone tries. Yes, you might be able to ride them,but you will never break a horses spirit. They will always be a symbol of beauty. Of grace. Of everything good in this world. They are the worlds best listeners, some people's best friends, someone who knows everything about you, and they still love you. No matter what. They will always stand beside you,even if your wrong." I pause.

Molly has tears falling down her face. It takes a few moments, but I soon realize I'm crying too. I quickly wipe my eyes. "You see it's simple really. To me, horses are God's angels. There are many ways to explain this,millions even. A horse is grace,beauty,intelligence,and everything good all put into one animal. They are love." I nod quickly.

Molly takes a moment to compose herself. "Y-yes well. I'm Molly Dean, signing off."

"Cut!" The camera man wipes his eyes and he hugs me. "That was beautiful!" I nod to him and get in the vehicle with Liam. Liam quickly rubs his face. "I guess I'll have to tell you now."

"Tell me what?" I look at my father.

"The vet has to put Moon down." His eyes fill with tears.

"Haha very funny dad." I smile.

"I'm not playing,Brooke."He looks at me. "When you were attacked and Moon saved you, the wolf bit her. He had rabies. The only reason you're okay is because you had the shot."

"When?" I whisper.

"Friday." He starts the car.

"That's two days!" I scream.

"I'm sorry." He whispers. "I tried. Really I did! I told the vet to do anything he had to do! No matter what the cost was! There is nothing he can do." He pulls into the driveway. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't save Moon!Sorry doesn't kill the wolf!Sorry does NOTHING!"I scream."SORRY DOESN'T SAVE MY ANGEL!"

I jump out of the car and run upstairs to my room. I lock the door. All the pictures in my room had Moon in them. All of them. I would never see her again after Friday. I pulled my favorite picture off the wall.

Moon had been very green when I first got her three years ago. She was five when I got her. I was twelve. I still remember that day.

**flashback**

"Mom hurry!" I scream from the front seat of the car. I was going to a ranch about two hours from my house to look for a horse to buy.

*two hours later*

"Mom there it is!"I point to a sign that says "Sunny Side Ranch" in bright yellow. Mom pulls down the dirt road and soon a stable can be seen.
I jump up and down in my seat. I can't believe I'm getting a horse!My very own horse!

As soon as she stops the car I jump out of the vehicle. A man with a mustache and a cowboy hat walks over."Are you Mrs.Jackson?"

"Yes.Im here with my daughter to look at horses."Mom shakes his hand.

"We already have a few picked out for you."He smiles. We follow him to a corral with three horses in them.

A bay,black,and blue roan stand in the corral.
I try all of them out,but don't really click with them. I had just decide to go home when a loud crash was heard and someone yells loose horse.
Mom screams and runs to the car,but for some reason I turn around.

A horse with a mane and tail the color of the clouds gallop towards me.She looks like a mighty horse that you would see in a battle,charging forward without fear to save the day. Just like an Angel. She stops inches from me and her velvety nose nuzzles my hand.

"Hey!Bring that horse over here!" The man yells.

"I want to ride her." I look at him.

"What!She's barely broke!No."He bellows.

"Yes. I want to ride her."I jerk my chin up.

"Fine!But if you get hurt don't blame me!"He huffs and walks away with the Angel in tow.
About an hour later she's in the trailer and we're leaving. I had finally found my Angel.

**end of flashback**

The picture was of the first time I rode Moon. Her mane was flying back and her head was high. Just like she was charging forward in a battle. Her beautiful ears were pricked forward and my face was frozen with a huge smile.

I hugged the picture to my chest and fall asleep.
When I awake in the morning I immediately start crying. Only one more day and then my Angel would be no more.

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 7

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 06, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks!
by: Kelsei

Thanks guys! I hope y'all liked it! I'm posting part 8 today! I think I'll make a part nine, but I'm not sure yet.. I'm going to be posting another story as well, but I'm not sure what to write it about! Any ideas?

Jun 06, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Moon
by: Anonymous

she'd better not die please don't let her die!!!!!!!!! Star <3 Moon

Jun 06, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
*sniff. sniff*
by: Unicorn

You write much too well! I think I'm gonna cry. Which, incidentally, is a good thing. Your writing is evocative and the plot is well done; I have seldom read a good story that does not include the main character coming close to losing everything. The flashback is a smidgen clumsy - the headings (***flashback***) aren't really necessary; try a transition, like "Four years ago..." (okay, that one's rather dull, but you get the picture). But I like that you used a flashback, it slowed the pace a bit and gave the readers a moment to breathe. A quick pace is good, but you do need little "breathers" like this once or twice.
All in all, I am enjoying this immensely and simply can't wait for Part 8!
Oh, and thank you for rooting for God. He does amazing things through horses.

Unicorn

Jun 05, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
:)
by: Anonymous

KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!! The only reason I get on this website is for this story!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.

Moonstone's Pride - Part 8

by Kelsei
(Georgia)

I walk downstairs,and mom is cooking some food. "Hi honey!" Mom hugs me. "I'm so glad your okay!"

"Yes, well if it wasn't for Moon I wouldn't be here." My eyes water. "And now because of me, she won't be here after tomorrow." I break down crying and slide to the floor.

"It's going to be okay." Mom sits beside me and wraps her arm around me.

"I have to go." I stand up. I take off running out the house and head towards the stables. Just as I open the door to the stables, Jaz runs into me.

"Oh look who it is!" She sneers. "It's Miss look-at-me-I-saved-a-rundown-nag-and-now-my-own-nag-has-to-die! Ugh. Well you finally got what you deserved! Now you realize you're not that great at all!"

"JAZ!!" Carly yells. Jaz turns around and Carly hits Jaz so hard that she falls.

"If you ever talk to my best friend like that again it will be worse." Carly glowers. "And Sammy and Moon are NOT nags. If you want to see a nag go look in a mirror!!!"

Carly grabs my arm and walks me to Moon's stall.
Moon pokes her head out her stall and nickers at me. "Do you know?" I whisper.

"Yes. Liam told me last night." Her eyes fill with tears. I nod. Moon nudges me.

"I'm taking her for one last ride." I grab her halter and put it on her. I clip the lead rope on her halter and walk her beside the paddock. I jump on her back and she turns to sniff my boot.

"What do you say girl? One last ride in the meadow?" I rub her neck. She nods her head and takes off at a smooth gallop towards the meadow.
The sun shines brightly and a few puffy clouds show in the sky. Nearby a bird sings and an owl sleeps.

A little stream runs straight through the meadow. Trees rustle in the breeze. Moon nods her head and let's out a neigh. Calmness spreads over me for a few moments.

When we reach the meadow I jump off moon and take the lead rope off of her halter. I sit on the grass and watch Moon. Moon gallops around the meadow and does a little buck. Her mane flies behind her. Just as it did when I first saw her. I feel my eyes water again, but I fight the tears.
I lay back on the grass and listen to the sound of Moon's hoof beats.

The sun slowly sets in the sky and Moon lays beside me on the grass. All to soon the sky turns black and the stars appear. I run my hand down Moon's face,neck,and back. I jump on Moon's back and she walks to the stable. I take off her halter, and she nudges me.

I hug her one more time, knowing that it might be the last. "I will see you again my angel." I kiss her nose and walk home.

That night I dream about Moon. I'm riding her in our meadow, the breeze whispers in the air and then suddenly we are flying. We fly high above the clouds and then I hear a sweet voice in my mind.

"I will always love you Brooke. I wish I could stay longer, but my time is running out. I will always be with you. If you ever need me, just look to your heart. I will wait for you at the gates of Heaven. Remember, I am always with you. I must go now. The vet is here. I love you."

Then the voice was gone. And I was falling to the earth. I jump out of bed. "MOON!" I scream. I run out of the door,and to the stables. My heart slowly breaks as I see the vet's vehicle.

"MOON!" I scream again, I push past a few reporters who had shown up. I open the stable door and run through. I see the vet walk out of Moon's stall.

"What did you do!?" I scream. "WHAT DID YOU DO!!!"
My eyes fill with tears. I push past him and go to Moon's stall. My angel lays on the ground of her stall. Her eyes are still open a little and her ears twitch towards me. I run to her side and fall beside her.

"I love you Moon!" I scream. "Don't forget that! I will always love you! YOU are my number one girl! You always will be. No matter what. You are my one true angel! Do you hear me??"

Her ears stop moving and she slowly closes her eyes. She neighs one last time. I throw my arms around her. "I'm sorry... I'm so SO sorry.."
Tears fall down my face.

I grab her beautiful head and kiss her nose one last time. "Goodbye my sweet Angel. I love you."
Then she slowly let's out her last breath.

**Okay guys, I actually cried when I wrote this. I hope y'all liked it! I'm thinking about writing another story...any ideas? Thank you all for reading my story! I couldn't have done it without any of you and your encouragement! A special thanks to Unicorn for always helping me and telling me things to watch out for! I love you guys! **

Comments for Moonstone's Pride - Part 8

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Nov 04, 2016
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
cool but sad.....
by: hoofbeats

Your story is great but I nearly cried when I read the last bit! Try making the ending a more cheerful if that would be possible. :)

Oct 14, 2014
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Awesome Work, Kelsei
by: ChaseYourDreams

That story is an amazing story and probably my favourite story I have ever read! :) I hope you think about writing a sequel! :D

Sep 04, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
WHAT
by: Anonymous

What happened to happy endings? I thought all stories were supposed to end happily. It was a great story till the end though. Thanks for writing this.

Jul 18, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
That was soooooooooooooo good
by: Horse Girl 12

When she took moon for a last ride and when Moon was in her stall i cried really bad. Awesome story!

Jun 28, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
wha
by: pegasus

oh my god this ending of a lovely story about a god given horse was so sad, i had tears rolling down my cheeks!

Jun 27, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
TheRider
by: Kelsei

That's an awesome idea! I've been feeling a little bad about leaving Brooke all broken and sad in this story.. I think I will do a sequel.. hmm, I think I'll call it Luna's Shadow...

Jun 27, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
:)
by: lucinda

This was a great story. i'm sad to hear that it is the end? well it was a good one huh? anyway good luck on your next story/stories. :)

Jun 10, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
So sad...
by: TheRider

Oh my! I actually had tears welling in my eyes! PLEASE write more! Could you do a sequel to Moonstone's Pride? I read your next story, it's awesome!

Jun 08, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
:'(
by: Anonymous

OMG!!!!! I can't believe it, I just read all of that story in about ten mins and cried though all of the last bit! If you don't write more, your crazy, i'm expecting more. More!!! xxx <3 amazing!

Jun 08, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
make more but...
by: ali

please don't make this stories be over. what hppened to her crush? why did moon have to die? tell me what's the new name of your stories will be?

Jun 07, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks!
by: Kelsei

Thanks Unicorn! I think i'm going to write another story called Azriel's Promise. It will be about a girl named Lani who lives on a ranch in Wyoming or Colorado.. or Arizona.. i'm not sure yet. Anyways she'll be moving there to live with her Uncle, because her parents died. And.. uh-oh i'm saying to much.. anyways Thanks again!

Jun 07, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Hi Kelsei
by: Unicorn

Well done! You've completed a story! Not many people can do that, you know. And you've had the guts to write a sad ending, which I have never been able to do, so huge applause to you. Well, well done.
This is a good story with likeable but not perfect characters (if they were perfect they'd be dull), a pacy plot, and a heroine that's easy to root for. It has its holes, but all first drafts have their holes - ALL first drafts, no matter if it's your first novel or your name is Ernest Hemingway. So if I were you, I'd put this story away for a little while - I like to give it at least six weeks - and then come back to it and look at it with fresh eyes. You'd be amazed at how much the second draft will improve. Lather, rinse and repeat until you're satisfied.
This story has massive potential and I LOVED the confrontation between Jaz and Carly - the "look in a mirror" line made me giggle even in this sad piece. So please, please, please write on. A new story would be hugely welcome while you wait to edit "Moonstone's Pride" (if you want to edit it, of course, it's your story), and I can't wait to read it. Please, write on!
And special thanks to Kelsei for writing a story worth reading :-)

Unicorn

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Horse Training Stories.