Yeah, I don't know why it did that with the quotation marks. I redid it several times. Maybe it's just our crazy computer, but I've noticed it on a few other stories.
Thanks soooooooooooooooooo much everyone!!!!
read:
Willow's Delilah
Very soon to-be Wild Horse Willow
Then in a few weeks The Wild Girl, a true story about myself.
Apr 29, 2011 Rating
Again by: Kaitlyn aka Horserider
Wonderful story... like I said with the first 4! And I'm going to read the Willows Surprise! Its a lovely story. Sarah finally got her horse! FINALLY. It was a perfect ending!
But you had some punctuation mistakes! And I know I SHOULD not be complaining because I make many mistakes in writing my stories (Summer Camp Mystery, Dreamer (The one and only...) But when people comment they tell me about what I did wrong and I try fixing it. So I noticed that you used some of the same sentences to describe how Delilah behaved while getting her saddle, bridle... put on. Try adding a bit more detail in Willows Surprise. Also you didn't use *"* to show the character was speaking instead you put ?.
But all in all great story.
Apr 28, 2011 Rating
Talent by: Lauren
Okay, I guess I never thought i had THAT much talent. I guess the only thing I've done with my writing is this and entering a poem contest back in second grade. I won that. ( Not trying to brag or sound snobby )
I guess this is what my Chinese fortune meant. (We had take-out one night) It said "Make wise uses of your talents" I never never never never knew this was half good enough to publish. I did a rewrite using your tips. Sarah has a fiery temper, and is impatient.
(Ha-ha LIKE ME!) MY little sisters would add vain, greedy, and piggy to that list! But, I like my hair. She says greedy and piggy because she never gets to use the computer. I think I've used all the computer memory space for my stories!
Apr 27, 2011 Rating
Hi Lauren by: Unicorn
Sorry I came back to you late. Wow Factor = something to make the reader go "Wow!" like a stunningly beautiful moment, an amazing comparison (simile or metaphor), a truly glorious piece of dialogue... Something that'll stick in the reader's soul forever. I would like Sarah to start out as a bit less likeable. She's stunning from start to end, so she doesn't develop much. Give her a flaw. Laziness, greed, impatience, nervousness, apathy, vanity... there are so many. Give her a flaw, and then make her work through it, so that at the end of the story she completely overcomes her weakness and ends up as a stronger, better character. At the end of the journey the MC (Main Character) should be a better person, which will give the reader a lot of satisfaction. As I said, she's great in the end, but she needs to work hard to become great. "Dream Delilah" is a brilliant story (and I love the title), and I'd very much like to see it in a short story magazine. You've got truckloads of talent and with a bit of good old hard work, I think "Dream Delilah" could be published - and that's saying something! Keep writing, girl! You seriously have the talent!
Unicorn writer of: "More than a Myth"
Apr 18, 2011 Rating
Ideas by: Thanks, Unicorn!!!!
O.K.- you've given me tons of inspiration! What are your ideas for this story? Also, what exactly is Wow Factor??????? Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apr 15, 2011 Rating
Fantastic! by: Unicorn
Congratulations, Lauren! You've written a story, and a good one! Not many people can claim to have done that, you know!
The story is well structured, with a strong plot. The characters are likeable, especially Delilah. When she pressed her muzzle to Sarah's heart, I got goosebumps.
Bask in this sunny glow of accomplishment for a few weeks. I would suggest, though, that you come back and revise it afterwards. Not because it's bad. It's exceptionally good, for a first draft. But it's a first draft and like all of them it can do with improvements. No one writes a perfect first draft. Not even J. K. Rowling. Her Harry Potter books took many drafts before they were as good as they are now.
Some suggestions: Your plot is excellent, so I'd like you to focus a little on setting. Also, I'd like a bit more Wow Factor. There are already very beautiful moments in this story, and if they were polished up a little, they would be extremely touching. Some character development wouldn't go amiss, either. But with your talent, you'll soon have us an absolutely brilliant story - and a publishable one too!
Please keep writing. Talent should not be wasted!
Apr 14, 2011 Rating
Wow!!! by: Dorer
VERY VERY VERY GOOOOD STORY!!!!!! I LOVED IT!!!! CANT WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL!!!!!
Apr 13, 2011 Rating
READ!!!!!!!!!! by: Lauren
IS ANYONE GOING TO READ ME??????????????????????????????????????
