New Untitled Story! Read and PLEASE comment! (Help with title!)


(Tx)

As I stood in the winner’s circle with a red rose wreath around my neck. I looked out at the race track where I just raced, and knowing that I did it, and all the years it took to be here. It made me look back a long time ago when I was born.

I was a dark bay with a white star on my forehead. We lived on a breeding farm where our kind owner bred horses for the track. I was a filly, so my master left me out with my mom longer, but when it came time to say goodbye it was a goodbye I hadn’t expected.

That day is so clear in my mind she had just won her race, when she came back she was so exhausted. We were eating our dinner in the barn, when a black truck drove to our barn and a black figure stepped out. He unusually and quietly strode to our stall, thus pulling out a white bag, poured out the contents into my mom’s bucket. I tried to ask him ask him what it was, he only ignored. There’s like this funny thing about humans, no matter what I say, if I whisper it or shout it, they always ignore me!!

The next day it was clear that my mom was not feeling good. I started to yell for help! And run around in my stall, and scream! Finally, after what seamed forever, my Mother’s groom came over to our stall. He started running and shouting “Mister. Smith!! Something’s wrong with your horse!!!”

Everything happened in a blur. Grooms were running here and there, trying to make my Mom as comfortable as possible. Then a white van drove into the barn and a man in a white over suit walked up and started poking and touching my Mom! I started to charge at him! “How dare you, touch my Mom!! “ I yelled over and over again “Wow, you’ve got a big girl on your hands” The vet laughed



“Well, how is she?” Our owner asked shifting his weight from one leg to the other, nervously “All I can see is that she has been poisoned. The poisoning is so strong, it is eating her away. ” He replied solemnly. Tucking his stethoscope back in his black leather bag. “What can I do?” Our owner asked “Surgery is the only thing that will help. We have to have more knowledge that just a checkup to make sure we know what’s going on. Its takes more than just antibodies” The doctor replied. “How much will it cost?” Our owner continued “I am not doing that well financially, besides the win last night, it’s a first. I paid off everything, just not that much for extra expenses” “It’s will cost at most 5000 dollars. Not including recovery or rehabilitation” He replied “Will she be infertile?” “Well, it’s a 50/50 chance that she will be infertile” he replied “I can’t let her die; she’s my only hope, financially” He replied looking very desperately

“Let me think.” The vet replied looking over at me and then at my owner “Look at that filly; she’s looks like she’s bred by the best.” The vet continued “if you are willing, I will take the little filly to fill in for the work. I haven’t done this before, but I have my own stash of thoroughbreds, that my daughter races. What do you say?” The vet asked, stroking my shoulder. My owner’s eyes told me he didn’t want to sell me, but he had no choice.

“OK, only if you promise you won’t hurt her?” He asked sadly.

“You bet I won’t! What do you say, we get to work!” He replied enthusiastically.

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Mar 28, 2012
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by: loan

People deserve wealthy life time and mortgage loans or just collateral loan will make it better. Because people's freedom is grounded on money state.

Mar 08, 2012
Thanks so much for all the comments!
by: Auther

Thanks so much for all the comments! I have the next part of the story here.
http://www.horsecrazygirls.com/winners-heart-part-2.html

Mar 06, 2012
Wow!!!!
by: Horseluver4evernever

Wow!!!! What a great story! Your truly a great writer and you for sure have lots of talent! Please keep writing this story is amazing! It has a very intense plot. You have a great storyline for this. I absolutely love how many descriptive words you used!!! Great story! Keep writing!!!!

Oct 24, 2011
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by: mortgage loans

I would like to propose not to wait until you get enough amount of money to order all you need! You can just take the mortgage loans or just auto loan and feel yourself free.

Oct 01, 2011
Thanks Unicorn!!!
by: TX

Thanks so much!!I will keep what you said in mind when I right the next part.:D Do you have any ideas of a title??

Sep 25, 2011
Hi Tx
by: Unicorn

WOW. This story is excellent! I love the way it's told in flashback, and can't wait to find out if the mare survives and why she was poisoned.
One small point - your dialogue is rather hard on the eyes and difficult to read. Making more use of paragraphs would help. For example, you wrote:
?Well, it?s a 50/50 chance that she will be infertile? he replied ?I can?t let her die; she?s my only hope, financially? He replied
You could rework it to:
"Well, it's a 50/50 chance that she will be infertile," said the vet.
"I can't let her die; she's my only hope, financially," replied the owner.
(Try not to repeat "replied" so much; "said" often does the job just fine.)
The dialogue is just a small issue. The concept of your story and the telling of it is amazing, and I can't wait to hear more!
Unicorn
writer of:
"More than a Myth" Intro and Parts 1 - 3

Sep 16, 2011
Thanks!!
by: Author

Thanks!!!

Sep 10, 2011
:D
by: gk99

love love love it! please keep writing!

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