Blazing Fury - Part 1

by Golden Sun

I slowly got out of bed and grabbed my socks, shirt, and shorts from my dresser and put them on. I walked downstairs and smelled the scent of french toast and cinnamon rolls. I heard the clatter of dishes, and the fizzling of bacon cooking.


I walked into the kitchen and found my whole family eating at the table. But mom wasn't eating. She was washing dishes. When she saw me, she said, "Good morning, Bella! I set out your leftover french toast that you didn't finish the other day. Why don't you go finish it?

I nodded my head and join the rest of the family at the table. I stared at my french toast, which was now soaked with maple syrup.

I started eating it. when I finished, my mom took a knife and handed it to my older brother, Matt, and said, "Why don't you take this and go to Blaze for a few minutes."

I was surprised. Why would he want to carry a knife with him? Then I realized what I though would happen. I started running out the door behind Matt, screaming.

Comments for Blazing Fury - Part 1

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Jul 02, 2011
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GREAT STORY
by: Amy

Please write I really want to know what will happen next!

Jun 29, 2011
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WHOA
by: Allyson

AMAZING PLEASE PART 2!!!

Jun 20, 2011
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Hi Golden Sun
by: Anonymous

The end of your first part has me hooked. I'm keen to find out what is about to happen; it's kind of spooky, and has made me somewhat wary about the mother and Matt. If that's your intention, you've achieved it magnificently.
However, you've got a lot of extra baggage in here. Of these three or four paragraphs, I'd cut the first two. Readers don't really need to know about characters putting on their shorts and eating French toast. Sure, add those details: but as a backdrop to dialogue or action, not as the sole purpose of the passage. The first sentence of your story is designed to hook the reader like an angler hooks a fish, and irresistibly draw them into the story. One of the most wonderful first sentences I have ever heard was, "There was a shark in the kitchen." Makes you want to read more, doesn't it?

Just a suggestion. You have an aptitude for detail, which is always a great thing - you just need to learn how to control it. You've got a truckful of talent. Keep going!

Unicorn
writer of:
"More than a Myth" Intro and Part 1 to 3

Jun 17, 2011
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yeah
by: Anonymous

write more please

Jun 10, 2011
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very good
by: Anonymous

This is very good, please post more soon.

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